Name: Angie
Indianapolis, IN
Number of kids: 3
Ages of kids: 8, 6, 1
Problem: Hi, my name is Angie and my husband and I have been married for a little over a year. He has two boys from his previous marriage, ages 8 and 6. When I met them, I fell in love with them. But over the last 2 years, they never listen. When I tell them not to touch something they do. Like our computer, for instance. I have put passwords on them but they still get on them and mess it up. They search through my room and my things, not their dad's. They ruin things of mine, like pictures and other things. They don't want me around, which I can understand, but they deliberately destroy my belongings. Anytime I try to punish them, they always manage to get out of it. And to top it all off, their dad doesn't do anything. I have even tried counseling but it only seems to get worse. I don't want to lose my husband, but I can't handle the kids and he won't do anything. When I tell him that I am so far gone on the things they do, and they never listen, he makes excuses like they are just kids or they didn't mean to. If anyone has any advice I would very greatly appreciate it.
Solution submitted by Neil from Baltimore, MD: The cardinal rule of stepfamily discipline is that the natural parent should do the disciplining until the stepparent has had time to develop a good relationship with the stepchildren. (The stepparent can and should be involved in decision-making about discipline, but the discipline should be carried out by the natural parent.)
Saying that they are "just kids" is a cop-out and can hurt the kids in the long run. Children need and WANT limits placed on them, and they will love the parent MORE if he shows he cares by disciplining them. Being a "Disneyland Dad" will hurt the kids in the long run.
Try looking into the Stepfamily Association of America. (800-735-0329) Unfortunately, there is currently no chapter in Indiana, but it is possible to start a chapter yourself. (Instructions are at the web site.)
I recommend the following book, "Stepfamilies Stepping Ahead : An 8 Step Program for Successful Family Living" by Mala Burt.
Editor's Note: The book can be ordered through The #!Parentsroom Bookstore by clicking on the Book Title Link, above.
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