Name: BKA

Ages of kids: 13

Problem: I am the parent of a 13 year old female. My child has told me that she has started experimenting sexually with boys. I am very confused as to why she feels the need to do this. I did not do this so young and I do not understand why a child this young who has been brought up In a traditional home would start at such a young age. I told her that I needed her to help me understand. She does not want to discuss it. She says she does not regret what she has done and that her group of friends are all doing the same. I want to reach her before it is too late and things progress even farther. I love my daughter very much and I do not want to see her hurt. As an adult, I know the risks she is taking but she thinks I know nothing and that she is "old" enough to take care of herself. I have watched and supervised my daughter much closer than most parents around here do. I have not prevented her from having fun but I have tried to make sure she was always supervised. The things she has done happened when she was at a friends house and believe it or not even in school! I cannot imagine. I do not want to break the trust my daughter has in me nor the honesty she has exhibited. How do I react? Thanks for your time.

Solution submitted by Matt from Nashville, TN: It is probably too late to try to change your son or daughter when they become sexually active, but you can prevent it from happening to other teens by keeping a strong line of communication with them. I am 17, a virgin by choice, and I would like to give parents advice to help their children abstain until they are no longer children. First of all, talk to them about sex early on, before some other kid at school does first. That is the best thing you can do, so that they know the dangers and will hopefully not be curious to try it. Then try to keep them away from certain movies and TV shows. I was completely appalled at the movie "Clueless" because it demonstrates teens using drugs and included a line that went something like "Your FIFTEEN and STILL a VIRGIN? WHY?!" What the hell are things like these supposed to tell your children?

Make sure your kids listen to your ideas, not the sexual innuendos of mtv and the like. Kids are trying to lose their virginity at a young age because they feel that everyone else is too, that they are the "losers", or odd ones out being virgins. Also they do it to impress their friends. Same reason for the use of controlled substances, they are simply trying to grow up faster than their peers because of influences from pop culture. My parents are by far the strongest influence in my life, so make sure you talk to them occasionally about how they feel about these things, and they will grow up healthy and with solid morals, not like these kids you see on Geraldo.

Another solution submitted by Tanya from Issaquah, Wa: In today's society, teens are having sex at very young age. This is mostly because of peer pressure and them thinking they can handle it. I am 19 now and mother of two. I lost my virginity when I was 14 to a boy, who pretty much pressured me into it. I wish I had waited until I was older. But what is done is done. You can't change what has happened to your daughter, but you can help her by providing her with the information about STD's, pregnancy, birth control, etc. You may feel doing this is a sign that's it's okay. But it's not, it's a sign that you are concerned and want to protect her. If you tell her not have sex again, she will rebel against you and do it anyway. Tell her you don't like that she's having sex, but if she going to be safe about it.

It's a GOOD thing that she felt she could tell you about it. It's a sign that she wants you to know, so you can help her. Many teens are afraid to tell their parents. I know I was, which lead to me having my first child. If I had felt comfortable talking to my mom about it. I may have not had my first so young.

My advice is to talk to her about STD's, pregnancy, protection, etc. Tell her that you are there for her and to fell free to talk to you about any concerns, she may have.

Another solution submitted by Freshman from Stevensville, MD: Recently my mom found out that I was sexually active. I haven't told her that i did or didn't have sex because I didn't want to deny it but I didn't want to admit it. So she took me to my yearly check-up doctor, but the doctor didn't say anything because its a law that you cannot in less it is life threatening. I am 14 years old and have only been sexually active with 2 individuals. I understand the concern that you feel for your daughter but its time to realize that what's done is done and times are different now than they were when you were her age. Since I am basically in the same situation that your daughter is in I suggest (this is what I would want my mom to do) that you talk to her about getting on the pill, STD's, and safe sex. Let her know that you can be her friend and her mother.

Another solution submitted by Lynne from Mt. Juliet, TN: I think your daughter needs all the information she can get from you on STD's, Aids and Pregnancy and what it does to the 15 year old body. Her telling you about this is GOOD. Most kids are afraid to tell. She may be asking you for help in ways to protect herself. Listen. Get her to a clinic or Doctor's office. Its better to be protected than to be sorry later with unwanted teenage pregnancy. If she will not listen to you about all the warnings, then she just might listen to the Doctor that will let her have it. It's so much better to be educated. Then she can say if I am going to play in the adult world, I must deal with all this grown up stuff, kike doctors, protection, and what can happen to me. Good luck.

Another solution submitted by Amber: I am a 13/f I am not sexually active and don't plan to be until I am much older, but many people in my school are. I have found that teens whose parents repeatedly tell them not to do something are most likely to do it. I'm not saying you should encourage her, but it's a "my parents can't tell me what to do thing." Right now, I don't think there is any ways to stop her in doing what she is doing, but the best thing you could do is support her and make sure she is using safe sex methods. I know it's way weird to think of a 13 year old who you raised doing things you didn't even know about till you were almost twice her age. I'm not saying I agree with your daughter's action in anyway. I am saying if she wants to do something, she will, just be there for her and she will respect your advice more.

Another solution submitted by Ross from Reno, NV : This is awfully tough, but I think you have to ease out of the arena of being a buddy and into the arena of being a tough parent. I think this girl is flirting with disaster and you have to step in. She'll only develop a conscience if you have strict mandates. You're the one in charge. It's terrible that parents are afraid to be parents these days because they fear the wrath of their children. And to make it worse, because of the loss of the American culture, there's no supportive community of parents. You're facing the fact that your little girl is not your little girl anymore. She's growing up and you've lost a treasured friend. Now you have to stand alone, often against her, as a parent and it's tough. You have to be strong - either you're going to provide her values or MTV is. For the next four years, know where she is every moment. Restrict her if you have to. Report improper behavior at school to the school (Be prepared for them not to care and to treat you as if you're weird). Post the Ten Commandments on the wall and tell your daughter that from now on, those are the house rules. Be strong. God bless you.

Another solution submitted by Shauna from Galway, Ireland: Hello, I am a 23 year old girl from Ireland. I don't have any children myself, but come from a family of 4 other siblings. 4 of us are very near in age and 1 is a good bit younger, around the age of your daughter. The one huge piece of advice that I would give to you is to 'Talk to your daughter', well I suppose more to the point is to listen to her, see what she has to say as to why she behaved in this fashion. I agree with you that she is extremely young and that if she continues behaving in this way, she'll be really sorry when she reaches an older age and meets someone who she truly loves. I believe the key to a good relationship between mother and child is to talk. Both my brothers and sisters have an equally good relationship with my mother and the chats over a cup of tea in the kitchen down through the years proved invaluable to us both then and now! Has your daughter started hanging around with any new friends lately? Is she easily influenced? Any of these could have given rise to her behaviour. I would advise you not to get mad or raise your voice to her, just try to see why she did this. If she finds you reasonable enough about it - the novelty will probably go and she'll give it up. I'm sure you're a great mother and from what you've said you've really taken such good care of her all her life. Good luck!

Another solution submitted by Mickey2 from Florida: First of all, what you did has nothing to do with your child. She is her own person, and you should not look at it any other way. Why she has decided to make such an early decision about sex, you may never know. What you need to do is get this girl some protection if she is going to continue with this. It is too risky not to face that issue. I feel the best way to handle it is to restate your beliefs, and tell her you do not approve of her having sex, and that girls do not have to do that to get someone to like them. That is sometimes the problem. I am a mother of girl that got pregnant when she was 16, and believe me my daughter wishes she had listened to me. Of course she loves her daughter, and things have worked out for her, but not everyone is that lucky. The way I handled her was wrong. I just kept saying to myself, "well she isn't doing it." Just that one time. NOT....they admit to doing it, and you need to make her understand that is something an adult makes a decision about, and be firm...and do a lot of praying. Remember, you can only do your best, and they do make mistakes, and you do feel like you have failed, but bottom line is if you feel like you have done all you can and tell her you love her, and she can trust you---you can do no more than that. I personally do not think there is a answer to this, but I think I would of been able to get through it better if I had someone to talk to. You can email me if you would like. Keep your chin up! I am sure you are a great mom...:)