Name: Sunny
Rhode Island
Number of kids: 1
Ages of kids: 18 months
Problem: Hi! I'm new to this board. While my husband and I were engaged to be married, we found out, unbeknownst to either of us that he had a son from an ex-girlfriend. I didn't take the situation very well. I know it sounds selfish, I'm hoping someone can relate. Anyhow, We married and have a son of our own now. The other son (my step son) is three. He lives with his mother but visits overnight once a week. He doesn't really like me, and it hurts my feelings. When he is at our home, both he and my own son give all of their attention to my husband and I feel totally shut out. I get annoyed to say the least. He always talks about his mother, who I admit, I dislike and I hate hearing about her. I know I have a lot of issues to deal with, believe me. I'm a good person with a big heart, and I can't understand why I'm being so insensitive towards both my husband and stepson. I know there is a lot of jealousy involved. I didn't know going in to relationship that there was a child involved and by the time I did find out, it was too late in my opinion. I was in love and had even set a wedding date. I want to love my stepson, and I know apart of me does, but not the way I would like to. Can any of you relate? Please Help. Thanks, Sunny
Solution submitted by Sherry from Harrison, AK: Can I relate to your problem? Oh, yes!!! I come from a classically disfunctional All-American family complete with alcoholism, drug abuse, divorce and multiple marriages, adoption and abandonment, mental illness, mental and physical abuse, and even suicide. Personally, I've been adopted, abandoned, a single mother (twice), survived my mother's suicide, had multiple "uncles" and stepfathers, I've been abused, used and kicked when I was down. And to top it all off, I spent a few years in the U.S. Marine Corps, the last two as a single mom. BUT, believe it or not I have two great all 'A' kids, a fabulous and saintly husband and terrific in-laws!
To your situation. The problem here has nothing to do with your stepson and everything to do with the adults involved. Modern life is very complicated, what with all these different versions of the American family. Families seem to be much more complicated than they once were, and with totally different dynamics at work. At 3 years old this child from your husband's former girlfriend can hardly be blamed for talking about his mommy! He's barely more than a toddler! I think you have and more importantly recognize, that you have "issues" - your husband obviously has had other relationships in his life, and that is very difficult for you, but I congratulate him - and you - for doing the right thing and including this out-of-wedlock child in your lives. You must understand that children take their "cues" from the adults around them. Children just tend to mimic what they see and hear from adults. That is the nature of childhood. They are the students and you are the teacher.
Another solution submitted by KJ from Philly, PA: Dear Sunny, Same type of situation here. Stepson now lives with us and we are thinking of a divorce because "I won't get off his back" Please get a some counseling before it wrecks your marriage and YOUR child's life. Can u imagine some other woman saying she can't abide by your son? I am trying for my 5 yr older's sake. You do not know what his mother is saying to him about you. My step son is now 14 and on antidepressants because of all this trouble, his mother and father fighting. His not having a full relationship full time with his father until now (mother did not allow it) Be careful, they will stay father and son but will you always stay husband and wife? This was a surprise, not your husband or the child's fault. PLEASE figure it out now for it festers and u stop being a "nice" person and is thought of as a B****
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