Number of kids: 1
Ages of kids: 3
Problem: Hi. I am a new stepmom to a wonderful 3 year old boy. I have known John, my stepson since he was 1, so it is not my relationship with him that I am concerned about. You see, my fiance had a vasectomy and thus John may be the only child I will "have." I find myself jealous of my fiance's first wife and angry at my fiance. As well, I find that both sets of parents are weary of our engagement as my parents know I cannot have children and feel uncomfortable around my stepson, and my fiance's parents love their grandson and will not have that bloodtie to me through another grandchild. Anyone interested in responding?! Please?
Solution submitted by Bridget: I agree with Marie (see below). If you are already feeling frustrated about not having your own children, you should reconsider marriage. It is my experience, that minor sources of frustration prior to marriage, turn into major sources of frustration during marriage.
Another solution submitted by Marie from Houston, TX: I have waited several days to respond to this problem because I know that my opinion will sound drastic. I have some experience with this situation, so I'm not just babbling. In your situation, I would seriously reconsider marrying this man. You have a very good handle on some of the problems that will almost certainly arise. Love does not conquer all. You want to have children of your own; this sounds important to you. (BTW, is your fiance willing to try a vasectomy reversal or adoption?) I fully agree that having your own children can make a significant difference in the extended family situation, as well as having a solidifying effect in "making a family" with your husband. Having a good relationship with a young stepchild is wonderful, but it is not precisely the same as having your own child, as others will constantly remind you. I found that having "my own children" had an overall positive impact on my relationship with everyone in the family. Unless the ex-wife is fully out of the picture, you will always be the "third wheel." This can be a very rewarding experience, but is hard. Even if your parenting style is the same as your husband's, the child's mother is always a factor in every decision about the child and will dictate much of your schedule and what you do with the child. Even under the best of circumstances, I have seen marriages fail because one spouse wanted children and the other didn't. This is a fundamental difference that cannot be glossed over and can be indicative of other unresolvable differences between a couple. Step-parenting adds a lot of outside pressures which must be handled with grace and maturity and can strain even highly compatible people. As I said, you have a good grasp of some of the difficulties that await you. Look down the road 5 years, 10 years and imagine how you would like your life to be. Is it possible to have what you want with the man you have chosen and the circumstances that exist now? Remember, that if you marry this man and it doesn't work out for reasons that you could foresee now, you are putting this child through another divorce, as well experiencing yourself the emotional pain of, not only the divorce, but the period that leads you to separate.