Name: Fustrated Parent
Charlottetown, PA
Number of kids: 1
Ages of kids: 4 1/2
Problem: I'm at a loss for words. I've always gotten along well with my mother-in-law and my father-in-law. They have always been supportive of my wife and I as we go through the trials and errors of raising our first child. They have always spoiled our son (which is typical of grandparents), however recently things came to a head. Our son (4 1/2)was extremely loud and rude at a recent gathering. I told him that for his punishment he would not have any treats at the reception afterward. His grandmother then proceeded to try to give him treats anyway. The child refused saying that "Daddy said no." I was never more proud of him. The next day I received a phone call from my in-laws telling me that I am torturing my son and this is along the lines of abuse since we knew that all of the other kids would be eating treats at this reception. They say they don't want to even see us anymore they were that upset over the incident. Personally, I didn't think the punishment was that extreme. With all the injustice that goes on to children in this world, I thought not getting any treats was a mild punishment for the behavior in question. My question is this. Was I out of line? Were the grandparents out of line to confront us? What, if anything, should I do to resolve this issue? I have tried to sit down and meet with them, but was told they were too angry to talk right now. Am I insane?
Solution submitted by Aileen from WA: Well first of all, I think its an unwritten rule that all Grandparents must try to give advice to their children's families. And to some degree, that advice may actually be worthwhile. After all...they raised your chosen wife, right?
However...the positively spoiled manner in which they expressed their opinion in this instance is a bit ridiculous. Especially is the use of such "button pushing" words as: abuse and torture. Chances are if they are close with your kids you WILL hear from them again. If they decide to make the "candy issue" a reason not to, I would be shocked. When they decide to come "back to the table" per se... tell them that you respect their opinion and understand that they have the interests of your child in mind, but gosh golly gee... you think you are doing a pretty fine job of raising their grandchild.
You are not insane. I think you have made good discipline choices. I hope your wife backs you as well in your struggle to raise your child and also against her parents to support you.
Another solution submitted by Kendell from Henderson, NV: GO DAD!!! We have four children and part of raising them with respect and manners is learning appropriate behavior. Since your son misbehaved it was in HIS best interest for you to bring this matter to his attention and for there to be a consequence for his action. We feel your measure of discipline is totally appropriate, and not a bit abusive. I cannot imagine in the world today that any one would consider that not allowing sweets to a child was abusive, regardless of who else was getting them. Are these same "caring" people going to have the same opinion when all this boy's friends are at a party drinking, and because the rest of them are getting drunk, he should too? I am intense on this issue because we are trying to raise our children to be productive, well mannered, and realistic people in a society that has lost most of those qualities. How can one realize the error of ones ways if one is rewarded instead of being reprimanded when one is wrong, be one 4 years old or 40. Good Luck!!! I think you are on the right track. Hopefully you all can discuss this and the lines of communication will again be open. Let us know what happens.
Another solution submitted by MrsChak from Newmarket, ONT, CAN: I don't think you were out of line at all. He is your son, you saw him misbehaving, and you acted by giving him a penalty for his earlier behaviour. It is not child abuse to discipline your child! Refusing sweets is not a abusive punishment, and you shouldn't let them make you think that it is. You don't say what your wife thinks about this...is she backing you up? I don't see how her parents can be *that* upset by this...it doesn't seem like that big of a deal...you were all still at the gathering, it wasn't like you left because of his behaviour. And I believe your son must normally be a very well behaved little boy for knowing that no sweets was his punishment, and refusing them when grandma offered them to him. You should be proud of what a good little boy you are raising. If they are refusing to talk, there isn't much you can do, but I don't think you are owed an apology...they need to realize that this is your son, and you decide what is appropriate, not them. I hope it all gets straightened out for you!
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