Name: Andre
Number of kids: 1
Ages of kids: 3.3
Problem: I am 35 and my wife is 32. We have been married for 8 years. After the birth of our first and only child, our sex life is in trouble. Trouble might be a strong word...basically our drives have developed a mis-match. Earlier, we used to make love three to four times a week but after the childbirth it has dropped down to just once in a week or two, whereas I still have the earlier needs and drive. Earlier I thought it was due to the pressure of managing a baby and the house (she is a housewife) and waited for the things to come back to the original situation, but it has not happened. We still enjoy each others company tremendously, and we have really good sex whenever we have it....she says she just does not feel like having it more often. Is this a common phenomenon? How have other parents coped with it? Or better than "cope," how have other parents reversed it?
Solution submitted by Mary Ann from Troy, PA: I am due to have our second child any day, but I still remember what it was like the first time through. It is hard to change from "mother" to "lover" quickly. BUT, I still believe that my husband has to come first as I can't be a good mother if I am miserable. My husband and I took a vacation without our son once. It was great. No naps, no potty stops, no temper tantrums. I don't care if it is one night, you guys need to get away. Make it the local motel if need be. It's easy to get caught up in the day to day routine of child raising but she has to be reminded of who you are too. We had our son also stay with someone when he was 8 months old. The first few hours were tough for me, but I soon loosened up and had a blast!
Another solution submitted by Skyvisfrom Sunnyvale, CA: HI! Ok as a woman and mother I wanted to give my point of view on this issue. I know what you mean...I find I have not near the drive I did before kids. I think it is because as moms we get so wrapped up in our kids and their needs we just are too tired at the end of the day to be able to give anymore, it's like we shut down :)
I know it is unfair to our spouses but I know for me personally that by the end of the day I am just touched out. Maybe this is what your wife feels too. I have found that by setting time aside just for my hubby and myself it does help one to get in the mood.
Now that my youngest is 2 I find the desire is starting to return also. Is your child a high needs child? That can take a lot out of a mom to always need to be entertaining the child. It will get better as long as you keep communicating with each other. Good Luck! Plan some special alone time for just the two of you :) Works wonders for me:)
Another solution submitted by "Mom-of-2" from Chandler, AZ: Well, being a mother of 2 is quite difficult. I too am a home-mom. Hormonally, a woman is really unbalanced even after nursing. I have experienced a couple of the following feelings that may help understand:
1) Body Change/Weight- It's very obvious to a man also (I assume) that the body changes during pregnancy and afterwards. I have felt very un-attractive and that does not make me want to be intimate with my husband - I personally have not lost the weight from my second child and still battle daily - even as wives we know our husbands love us very much and they (most of the time) want us just the way we are, It is really hard to feel good when even 10 pounds (in my case 50 pounds) is an issue.
2) Fatigue/hormones - I have experienced fatigue with my 2nd child as a new born. As a mother, when we have children, our society tells us that children are the most important things and we forget what is the priority relationship - Husband Wife relationship. Fatigue and overwhelming responsibility does give us the feeling that any additional responsibility will drive us crazy. I also feel that I personally have an imbalance in hormones that have never fully recovered. If this situation continues, please encourage your wife to see her OB/GYN and get some help and maybe some tests done.
The most important thing is to share with your wife that no matter what, you accept her just the way she is and eventually she hopefully will feel it and want to get close. Good luck! Hope this helps.
Another solution submitted by "Ed": I believe it is rather common for the mother to not be as interested in sex after childbirth. Hormone production has been altered significantly, especially if the mother nurses the child. There is another effect of giving birth to a child that may have roots in evolution. It is common in the animal world that the mother is the sole provider for the offspring. Many male species will try to kill the newborn. Fortunately, we have come a long way in the thousands of years. Still, I believe there is residual effects that have stayed with us, and the hormones have a way of bringing out these ancient fears, etc.
In summary, I can say that it appears you have the making of a potentially very serious threat to your relation with your wife. This change in attitude can lay low for years, but will build in resentment on the part of the male since he feels he is no longer appreciated. If this problem really begins to cause trouble, I recommend mediation of some form. I am very apprehensive of such 'outside' interference in the private lives in a marriage, but sometimes it is necessary to save a relationship.
Good luck!
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