Name: Stepmonster

Problem: I am a new stepmother to Hannah (5) and Jacob (8). I have no children of my own. My husband has joint custody with his ex-wife, but the children live about 100 miles away from us. We see them every other weekend. I love these children and their father deeply, but I underestimated the emotional toll that being a stepmother would take on me.

How can I let the love I feel for the kids come through, without being tainted by feelings of anger and jealousy toward their mother, and occasionally, even feelings of jealously toward them? I feel tremendously guilty for my feelings, because I know that the kids are not to blame for this situation, but as much as I love them I sometimes resent them for what they represent -- my husbands life with someone else before me.

Has anyone else been through this that I can chat with or talk with by E-Mail? I hate feeling this way, and I would be grateful to talk either someone who has had these experiences too. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Solution posted by "Bailee" from Paso Robles, CA : When I was 10 my parents divorced. I had no objections to the divorce even then. My older brother and I both heard the fights, and we were happy to see it end...finally. I have never once wanted them to stay together. They have both remarried and I have a wonderful relationship with my step father. My step mother is another story. My brother went to live with my father and I stayed with my mother. Bitter feelings between them kept me from seeing my father for almost 9 years. I tried to establish a relationship with him when I was 19 and going in the military, I figured that would be a good time since I would no longer be under my mother's roof. I am now 24 and have two children of my own. I decided before they were born that I would not let any conflicts with family and myself get in the way of them and their grandparents. The problem with this is my step mother. She has never liked me and to this day is still a nasty person towards me. She always felt that it was her right to comment on the particulars of my parent's marriage and say how rotten my mother was. Their marriage was bad, and they are both to blame. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one. My point is because of the way she feels on issues that she was neither involved with nor that concern her, my children do not see their grandfather. I am in no way implying that you are causing a problem, I am only saying that I hope that you can put aside your feelings for your husbands ex and accept his children for what they are: innocent people. They did not have anything to do with their marriage and should be allowed to be neutral parties. Sorry for rambling. Please don't think I am trying to be rude...I am not.

Another solution posted by "Jolson":My step son is 10 years old. I am my husband's 2nd wife and we have 2 children ages 3 months and 3 years. His 1st wife does not work and lives off child support and her mother. I worried myself sick about his well being. My best friend convinced me that I have to worry about my family first. I love my step son but trying to get involved is a losing battle. I will always be concerned for him but I stand my ground when it comes to what is best for our lives. He is always welcome to come over but I don't know if I am going to be automatically willing to let him move in when he is 13 years old and his mother can't handle him anymore. It took me a long time to realize that I don't have to feel guilty about that.

Another solution posted by "lau":I have a five year old step-son who's mom still has strong feelings for his dad. I know how much I love this man and we have a fantastic line of communication...that's why I know how she feels!

Yes, there are times when I get butterflies in my belly when she calls...these have lessened in time. I know that being a father is one of the most important things to my husband... and when we have his son they are a very special unit. Yes, there are times when I feel left out...I keep my sanity by remembering that I have him (the dad) all the time and I can share him, ESPECIALLY with his own child. Keep the faith and whenever you are feeling those old feelings, conjure up thoughts of you and your husband and the love you share.

One thing that can come between a family (any family) faster than boo is jealousy/anger towards the children...this will quickly lead to resentment. What does your husband say to your feelings? I pray you have a strong foundation and open communication....these two things will serve you well when you need to have strength.

Those children will always be his and the former wife is part of the package. For the sake of the children these two adults must have an open line of communication...but the interest should always be re: the children. If your husband still wanted to be with her... he probably would be today. Be happy in your love for this man... enjoy the children as you may....and be courteous to the ex... you will benefit far more than you will ever imagine.

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