Name: DALady
Problem: Hi Folks: I am at my wit's end with my son's lying. He is generally a very good kid, a boy scout in fact, but he has gotten this thing for lying. It started about five years ago, when I got remarried. My son got into the habit of lying so he could tell my ex-husband what he wanted to hear. He had to compete with two older stepbrothers...needless to say, I am no longer married.
My son has got this thing with telling people what they want to hear. I am a single mom but except for work I am always home. I am very involved with my son in scouting and school activities. I am one of those parents that is THERE for my child so its not an attention getting thing at least I don't think so. He seems to lie...just to lie. For instance, recently I was talking to one of his friend's moms and she asked me how long my son had been on Ritalin which is a mood altering drug popularly prescribed for children these days. (Editor's note: for ADD). My son has NEVER been on Ritalin but the woman's son was so Dan said he was.
Another time a friend had broken his leg and my son said he had broken his leg too...he broke his ARM but not his leg. Why is this bothering me so much? Because this lying has carried over into our relationship. I ask him how did this vase get broken and he says he doesn't know. He is my only child. So it's either him or ghosts. When I FINALLY get the truth out of him he says he didn't tell me because he was afraid he'd get into trouble. Then he is in MORE trouble. I've told him this before. Tell me the truth first and you won't get into trouble. Lie to me and I find out (and I always do) then you are in major trouble. I have a brother who is 45 who STILL lies...just to lie. I do not want to see my son go through life like this.
He is a really good looking kid, kinda short for his age but he will grow. Very active, has lots of friends. HELP! I just don't know what to do. He is too old to be doing this. Any suggestions would be WELCOMED. Is it a puberty thing? A guy thing? Thanks for your thoughts. You can respond to me here or at bvansant@jerseycape.com
Solution submitted by "simlife" from MI: Don't feel bad in the last couple days I have talked with 4 other parents around here and they are going through the same things. There is nothing wrong with your son that growing up won't fix. At least that what we all decided. Although your getting married and then divorced I am sure effected him in ways you can only imagine. It upset you too right? Hang in there it will get better.
Another solution submitted by "NewAgeGirl ": My six year old just started lying recently and we wanted to nip it in the bud so we explained to him the value of the truth; i.e., that it enables us to trust him and other people will like him better if he is truthful. Well, he didn't really care that much what anyone thought of him because it was fun to "trick" people. We were able to use a system of rewards and punishment and cognitive empathy to get him to understand how important the truth is. And of course the adults have to set the BEST example because the little truth finders are highly idealistic and will catch you in every nuance of untruth and demand to know why it is ok for grownups to not live up to the standard the propose! You really can't expect more from them than they get from you. Show him how it is sometimes hard to find the right way to share a difficult truth. Trust is the key factor. Stress how important it is in any relationship to be able to trust the other person and this is only possible with the truth. When he lies to people he is hurting them by betraying their trust and if they find out, they will abandon him because he is not a nice person that anyone wants to be around. Or they will not believe anything he says, ever. "The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf" worked wonders for my son but an eleven year old may not respond as well. You could update the story to be relevant to him. I had to really show my hurt to my son to get him to understand how his actions hurt my trust for him. When he saw that he rethought just how smart he thought he was. At my sons' age (6&8) I reward them for telling the truth by not punishing him as badly for whatever infraction he perpetrated. And you have to make the punishment for lying separate from the bad deed. My son had to give up his favorite video for two months because he told me a bold faced lie. And he risked losing it all together if he told another lie in the 2 months. Needles to say he watched himself very closely and worked really hard to understand what the truth even is! I rewarded his effort with returning the video 2 weeks earlier. Good Luck and keep talking to your son about it and stressing how really important it is to tell the truth.
Another Solution posted by "Dawn F": Your son may be lying for several reasons. One biggie may be low self esteem. This is not unusual for children who have been through traumatic events like divorce and remarriage. Despite the loving attention and interest in his activities that he receives from you, he may be having difficulty sorting these situations out. As ridiculous and it may seem to us adults, he may feel responsible for the divorce, and not wanting to upset you further, lies to cover up accidents (broken vases) and other unpleasant news.
He may also feel inadequacy with his peers. Being short (however temporary the situation) often singles him out for teasing. Children, especially at his age, want to be just like everyone else. That might explain the lies about the Ritalin and broken leg. He just wants to have some common ground with his friends. Although, you didn't specifically mention it, I sensed he didn't fit in well with his ex-step brothers. This could have been a real disappointment to him.
The most important thing to teach children is that they people will like him and respect him just as he is. Also, stress the values of honesty and trust. If your faith in his information is lacking, you might be inclined to limit his future activities and privileges until you can trust him.
The only other thing I can suggest is to visit a psychologist who could give more definite answers to the cause of the lying and methods to curb this behavior.
Hope I have been of some help. Dawn Email: francis@eatel.net
Please submit any more solutions.