Name: Kazy

Dayton

Problem:I have a 35 month old (2 1/2) girl. She is very friendly, bright, energetic, and eager to try new things. She has always been very independent. Over the past 3 to 4 months, she goes through spells where she must do everything on her terms. This includes dressing, turning off and on things, shutting things, getting in and out of the car, etc. If it is done for her she will undo it and redo it, with or without a tantrum. She is also very much into designated duties. Dad can only do the car seat, that's not yours its hers, etc. She shares pretty well for her age but its almost always on her terms.

This I realize is part of her development. The issue I have is when we are trying to go somewhere and she just melts down into a fit or rage because a string of things did not happen in the correct sequence or she was not able to dress herself all by herself. I let her do as much as she can to feed this need. But there are times when she is not able and needs help. It kills her to give into this. There are times that I have to physically hold her down to dress her because she refuses to do so and doesn't want me to either. I have dealt with this so much that at home I can give her so many choices then she has to go to her room to work it out herself. This works well. But when you have to be somewhere, this is not an option. Twice this week she rode in a regular seat in the car because I could not physically get her in her seat. She hated it and screamed the whole way there.

Update from Kazy: Hi everybody. This is kazy and I've been looking the past couple of weeks to see if I got any suggestions to what to do with my temperamental daughter. So far, there has been none. That and has made me come to realize that there's not much you can do about tantrums like these but to try not to lose your mind and be consistent with whatever seems to work. I am happy to report that my daughter has mellowed a bit and hasn't been as compulsive in the past month. I encourage her to settle down and say plainly what she wants rather than go ballistic into a fit. I reward her with a thank you or a high five when she cooperates. It's a constant thing.

Another thing that has come of this was that she went a big attention need during this time. She was talking more baby talk and had a week and a half of wet pants. This too, has slowly resolved itself. In a nutshell, they seem so much older, especially with a littler sibling running around, and you expect them to behave like they have it all figured out. Thanks for letting me vent!

Solution submitted by "Butmom..." from Sacramento, CA: Hi Kazy! Thanks for the update. Although this is the first time I have seen the posting, and no real answers here, I appreciate the follow-up and knowing I'm not alone out there and some solutions may be figure them out yourself. At least I know it's okay and it's not child abuse. (i.e., allowing my child to scream her head off while I go ahead and tie her shoe even though she can't and insists on it.) Goodluck.

Another solution submitted by Vicki N from San Jose, CA: Hi Kazy, I just read your post. My 2-yr old does exactly the same thing, undoing something only to do it again. And it can be a problem. But I have hit on something that seems to work for me. I tell her it is my turn and she can have a turn next time. I do this if I have to have something done NOW, and at other occasional times just to reinforce 'taking turns.' Another thing that works for me when she refuses to cooperate is "I'm counting to 3..." The first couple of times you actually get to three, and you have to do what needs to be done over her protests, and then explain that since you got to 3 and she isn't doing it, then you have to. Now I just say "One..." and she usually starts getting dressed, getting in the car, whatever.