Name: Keri30
Vancouver, BC CAN
Number of kids: 1
Ages of kids: 3
Problem: My ex husband recently remarried and is having our 3yr old call his new wife, "mom." I am extremely upset over this and spoke to my ex about this matter and he insists it's best for our son (I'm Caucasian, he's Filipino... he says it's the Filipino way and seems to feel that it's disrespectful for our child to call this woman by her first name). I'm looking for advice from anyone but especially anyone who has been through this problem before.
Solution submitted by Candy from Magnolia, TX: Who really owns this problem? The way I see this is, that at least one of these parents are still in a personal power struggle with the other one. Keep in mind her we are talking about a 3 year old, not a teen or even a school age child. You're missing the mark here! Becoming a parent is a biological thing. Being a parent "MOM" or "DAD" is a process. And really what is wrong with children calling both sets of steps MOM or DAD. They all learn about the biological end of this soon enough.
And actually, by then they will know in their hearts who have done the most for them as human beings. Being a parent has a broad definition of terms. You'll always find that the best solution to doing the right thing with you children or stepchildren is starting with how YOU really feel about the problem before you do anything.
Another solution submitted by Carol: We had a similar situation--My husband's ex taught their daughter to call her new husband "Dad." When we married two years later, my step daughter asked if she could call me "mom," too--I told her the decision was her's and that I would be very happy if she did. Her mother promptly told her that she did not want her calling me that and continued to check to see if she was (my step-daughter was to the point of tears because of the confusion and again I told her that I loved her just the same and she could call me whatever she wanted.) The point of this is that there has got to be consistency and consideration for the child--they didn't ask for this and now are having rules and barriers thrown at them . . . it may be hard for you to deal with, but it's even harder on them.
Another solution submitted by "Deb" from Gonzales, LA: I do not think it is proper for him to insist on child calling step mother mom. My ex-husband thought it was till I asked how he would feel about his son calling another man "dad." He finally had to agreed and my son calls her by her 1st name. If he wishes, tell him that for respect he could add Ms. or Aunt in front of her name.
Another solution submitted by "Alana": I have not directly been involved with this type of situation, but have experience indirectly. The solution that was used for my brother's ex-wife was that the 'new hubby' would be called Dad ____, with his first name. That way there was a distinct difference as who this person was, and who the 'real' dad was. Another option used (by friends) is that you can use the first initial of their first name in place of their name, for example Mom B or Dad S. It is very hard to fully please everyone involved in a divorce/re-marriage when children are involved. You may find that this might or might not work for you, but it's an idea. Good luck, for your's and your sons sake.
Another solution submitted by "Joanie" from Dallas, TX: I suggest to keep with the Filipino tradition ( I'd check into that one) perhaps the son could call the stepmom "Mama whatever." For example: Mama Linda.
Please submit any more solutions.
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