Name: Heidi

snohomish, WA

Number of kids: 11, 9, 2

Ages of kids: 3

Problem: I have an 11 year old daughter who is increasingly withdrawing from our family. She rarely wants to do things together anymore. I guess this is normal for this age, but I am having a hard time with the rejection I feel. The only time she wants to go somewhere with me is if it's to the mall! She loves to shop. I guess I need to start letting go and let her come to me when she wants to. Still, it's hard. Any suggestions?

Solution submitted by Liz from MA: I have a 14 yr old daughter, and I think hormones have a lot to do with bad moods. But as far as teen girls who are withdrawing from family activities, I do agree that this is normal and to be expected.

They are at an age where they are pulled toward their friends more, and socializing. They are changing, and it is hard to accept. I am trying to accept this, and focus my attention in other areas, so that I am not clinging to them, and feeling that rejection. I don't think this is good for them or you.

I have found that doing that, has freed them to develop in the areas they are pulled in, and they still want to be with me, my husband, and our family and friends. My husband and I have gone to most of their sports activities, and so they are used to us going, and still want us there.

We include them in our activities, too. We have recently taken our daughter to RiverDance. My son had no interest in going. So that was ok, he stayed home. He is 16. We had so much fun, and when we told him about it, he decided the next time we go to something he is going.

We also try to know their friends and their friends' families, and invite them out with us, or over the house. This is a great way to be included in their lives. This is easier to do with our 14 year old daughter than our son. He is much more independent, and wants a lot of privacy, which we do as much as possible.

Another solution submitted by Dave from Sacramento, CA: From my own experience, I don't think that this is a problem with a solution. Kids just grow up and it breaks their parent's heart to lose those little ones. My son and I were best friends until he turned thirteen. Now he hardly says hello when he walks in the house. It's an adjustment problem for us as parents. He's seventeen now and I still feel like I've lost my purpose in life.

Another solution submitted by Beth from Spring, TX: My daughter is also 11 and has been going through a lot of changes this past year. I must admit she seems to be easier to live with since she started her period. I never thought I'd say such a thing but her moods don't seem to be so severe. If this doesn't seem to be the answer, write back and we can brainstorm on preteen girls and their lives.

I would recommend the book entitled "Reviving Ophelia." by Mary Pipher. It is an excellent book dealing with adolescent girls.

Editor's Note: The paperback edition of this book can be ordered through The Parentsroom Bookstore by clicking on it's title above or the book jacket picture.

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