This article was written by The Parentsroom Editor, Jill Whalen.
As a mother of 2 preteens and a 4 year old, (and being a former kid myself), I find myself in a quandary these days. Parenting concerns and questions seems to be the norm for me and most other parents that I know. As parents, we know what our own parents did and did not do, but we don't often know which of those were the right things and which were wrong. What I find most frustrating about parenting is just when you get one stage mastered, (say toddlerhood), you get thrown into the next stage, so to speak, where again, you feel totally helpless and unknowing. In a sense, we seem to be playing a giant video game (but with higher stakes). Master a level, go on to the next. Going back and redoing old levels is now a breeze, but the new, higher levels bring all sorts of new traps and surprises! In my own life, I feel I can dispense a ton of advice on potty training, and sleep problems, (levels 3 and 4 perhaps?), but I am nowhere near ready to be an "expert" on preteens and teenagers (certainly a level 10 or more!).
I feel like I am very close to entering a new "level" of parenting, The Teen Years. On the one hand, I know that kids need their independence to grow up healthy and self-sufficient, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if I can safely let them venture out into the world without me constantly looking over their shoulders. Back when I was growing up in the early 70's, I remember my days being spent outside with the other neighborhood kids playing all sorts of outdoor games and sports without much adult intervention. We were free to roam our street (just the particular dead end road where we lived) as much as we wanted. I loved the freedom associated with that, and felt very empowered to be able to do, pretty much, what I wanted. Most of the time we played things like "hide and seek," sometimes "war," sometimes sports like football, baseball, street hockey and basketball. Girls and boys played together without regard to their sex. Neighbors were friends, and friends were neighbors, that was how it was.
On our street, there weren't too many rules. We'd go home when we were hungry, if our mother or father hadn't called yet. "Calling" was an artform in itself. The mothers and/or fathers would stand outside their door, put their hands in a megaphone type shape to their mouth and yell their child's name in a sing-song voice, until they heard the familiar "COOOOMMMMINNNG!!!" If after a bunch of tries they didn't get the required reply, they would call by phone to one of the neighbor's houses at the end of the street where they believed their child was likely to be, and ask for them to be sent home. It wasn't high-tech, but it worked.
Most of the time we kept busy doing normal kid things and staying out of trouble. However, there were those times where "trouble" was the name of the game. There was the time we played with matches and nearly burned down woods. (Yes, the firemen had to come put it out.) There was the time we found a case of beer some teenagers must have stashed in the woods, and we spent the day shaking them up and squirting them all over the place. There were those days that we played "doctor" type games, and the days where we threw crabapples and/or water balloons at passing cars. I guess those things are all part of growing up. Each and every experience on the street helped to shape me into the person I am today, and I am grateful to have had them. The thing is, when I think back on what could have happened to me or any of us, I really wonder how we made it through, relatively unscarred.
Given my childhood, here's what I am now pondering. Can I let my own kids enjoy that same kind of freedom? Is our world too different today, or is it really still the same. Does the media want us to believe we live in much more scary times, or is it actually so? How can we as parents allow our children to be independent, have fun, and yes, get into a little trouble, without fearing for their safety? More importantly, how can I, as a parent, learn to push ahead into this next stage of my kids' lives, and let them venture out on their own?
My family currently lives on a street, similar to the street I grew up on. There are lots of kids who are similar ages to mine, and they often play together. At this point, I need to know where they are, and what they are doing, and I get pretty bent out of shape when I find them doing something I don't approve of. The problem with that reaction is I'm afraid I might be encouraging them to lie to me about what they are doing. I remember as a kid myself that the only time I usually lied was to save my own skin. If a kid doesn't agree with a particular rule, there's a good chance he or she will break it. So how does a parent deal with that?
From what I can figure out there seems to be a couple of ways. One is to request that they tell the truth, and if they do, then tell them they won't get in trouble as long as they are telling the truth. Of course that would send the message that it's okay to break the rules, as long as you are honest about it later. Somehow, that doesn't seem like it would be a good thing to encourage. However, if you do punish them when they tell you the truth, then aren't you just encouraging them to lie to you, because they know they will get in trouble otherwise? So what is a parent to do? I suppose, in a perfect world, the parents and children would sit down and discuss the rules and perhaps compromise on them. That sounds good in theory, but I am not sure how realistic it is.
Apparently when all is said and done, what it all boils down to is we as parents need to once again reset our "settings" to novice and start wandering around this new level of parenting, trying to get a feel for what it has to offer. Here's hoping we don't lose too many "lives" along the way!